Pleasure Mechanics

Marriage Threatened By Porn

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Marriage Threatened By Porn

A listener wrote in with a question about porn.

She knows her husband watches porn, and feels threatened by his desire for the women in the videos – especially once she realizes that porn turns HER on too!

What should she do? Watch porn with him? Ask him not to watch porn? Should she share her own turn-on?

We weigh in and talk about the role of porn as visual fantasy and the bottom line: porn will never compare to the pleasure and intimacy of a real relationship!

Here’s the question we received:

Question:: Hi!  I am a frequent visitor to your site and have several of your ‘How-to videos.  Love them!  My questions is about porn.  I am in a happy heterosexual marriage and feel threatened by porn.  Especially girl on girl. Why does it turn ME on?  If it turns me on then all my preconceived notions of porn are then backed up.  Meaning that he is turned on by the other women and not me.  I do not have the body of a porn star!!  Should I watch porn with him and keep my feelings to myself or ask that he not watch??

Check out all the episodes of the Speaking of Sex Podcast

Get Playful: 3 Sex Games To Explore Erotic Touch

Sex GamesStart exploring the more arousing side of touch. Sharing massage with your lover is all about relaxation: soothing away the stress, sinking into sensual pleasure and intimately connecting with your lover. The big bonus? The touch skills you learn with massage are also powerful tools to seduce and arouse your lover. 

Here are three ways to explore more touch with your lover, from mild to wild:

1. Break the Golden Rule

In life, we often follow the rule “Do Unto Others As You Want Done Unto You” In bed, try “Do Unto Your Lover What They Do To You!” Most people touch their lover the way THEY want to be touched. Use this knowledge to give your lover what they want and haven’t asked for. If your lover gives you featherlight touch, try giving it back to them and see how they respond. If you find yourself scratching your lover’s back during sex, ask them to try it out on you and see how it feels. We have found this to be almost universally true – we naturally give want we really want to receive. By paying attention to this pattern, you can discover your lover’s touch cravings without saying a word!

2.  Play The Three Minute Game

Find more about exploring massage and erotic touch here: Touch

Grab a timer and head to bed. Take turns Giving and Receiving. For three minutes, you can ask for any kind of full body touch you are desiring. Get as specific as you can. If you’ve been learning along with our couples massage videos, try naming specific strokes you are craving. Here are some ideas of how to ask for what you want!

“I would like three minutes of deep circular strokes on my butt muscles”

“Three minutes of long strokes up and down my spine would be amazing right now”

“I would love three minutes of foot massage, especially deep strokes in the arches”

“Would you be willing to give me three minutes of very light touch all over my body?”

When the timer goes off, stop! Notice how much pleasure and relaxation you can create in just 3 minutes! Then switch roles. This is a great game to play at the end of a busy day, when you want to connect but can only commit to a few minutes. Sometimes, 6 minutes will be plenty. Other times, you may find yourself motivated to touch one another for way longer!

3. Experience Blindfolded Bliss!

Find more about exploring the thrills of kink here: Ready To Explore Kink?

To really heighten your sense of touch, grab a blindfold. By shutting down your sense of sight, your sense of touch gets turned on in a major way. Blindfolds also create a sense of vulnerability, which can be an incredible turn-on. You can use a scarf you have on hand, or invest in a luxurious and comfortable blindfold designed for erotic play.

Start by connecting with your lover without the blindfold on. Look deep into one another’s eyes and, if you choose, set boundaries about what will and will not happen once the blindfold goes on. We recommend keeping touch totally pleasurable and gentle in your first explorations with a blindfold.

Then, lovingly put the blindfold on. Allow some time for your lover to sink into the experience of darkness and make sure the blindfold is comfortable. Then, slowly begin touching your lover’s entire body. Start with the kinds of touch you know they love. Then slowly bring in the elements of surprise and tease. Not being able to anticipate what is coming next is one of the great pleasures of a blindfold. Heighten that anticipation by using rhythm and variety. For example, spend some time slowly caressing the sides of your lover’s body, and then lean in and kiss them on the neck or collarbone. OR hover just above their lips, so they can feel the warmth of your face, and wait a few moments before kissing.

Make sure you take turns wearing the blindfold! There is pleasure in both being the receiver of touch and in giving touch, so explore both roles. If you like incorporating the blindfold into full body touch, try amping up the arousal and see what happens!

Take some time and explore the power of touch with these games. All too often we rush into sex with an agenda and bypass so much pleasure in our hurry to get to the main event. We invite you to slow down and start exploring full body touch as an essential part of lovemaking. We promise you’ll unleash a whole lot of erotic potential!

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Fellatio : Discover How To Love Giving Oral Sex

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Fellatio

A listener wants to know if she can learn to love giving her boyfriend oral sex. We seize the opportunity to offer tips and strategies to make giving blow jobs way more pleasurable!

Many women don’t like giving blowjobs, and no wonder: the way porn depicts blowjobs is not that pleasurable for the woman!

But if we shift the model and learn how to make fellatio into a complete erotic experience, it can be a major turn on for women to give their men so much pleasure with their hands and mouth!

 

Fellatio can be an incredible part of a fulfilling sex life. But for fellatio to be pleasurable for the giver, it needs to be approached as a gift freely given, rather than a chore to endure.

We cover techniques to make oral sex easier to give, including  how to use handjob techniques to stimulate the shaft while focusing oral stimulation on the sensitive head of the penis. To master these skills (and way more!) check out our Foreplay Mastery Course.

We also cover communication techniques so you can make your fellatio uniquely yours by choosing what kind of erotic energy you want to play with, what parts of blowjobs you like and what you want to avoid.

Fellatio can be a loving, joyful expression of pleasure. Learn how to love oral sex!

Check out our complete list of Speaking of Sex episodes!

Here’s the question that inspired this podcast. You can submit a question to be answered on future episodes on our Ask Us Anything page!
Stephanie writes:
Hey Pleasure Mechanics,
Thanks for your awesome podcast. My boyfriend and I listen to it together and it has prompted lots of great conversations. He encouraged me to write in with an issue that has been a problem for us for years.
Like most guys, he loves blowjobs. The problem is, I don’t love giving him oral sex. I don’t have any problem with the idea of it, and at first it is ok, but after a few minutes I just feel like I am choking and drooling and it is a total turn-off. He knows I don’t like it so he has stopped asking, but I know it is something he wants more of. So my question is, is this something I can learn to love? Any tips for making going down more fun?

Married And Flirting

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Married and Flirting

Is it ok to be attracted to someone else when you are married?

When does flirting become cheating?

We explore how to keep a marriage safe while enjoying being attracted to and flirting with other people!

Learn how to set clear boundaries with your partner to avoid feelings of betrayal. Discover proven strategies for creating a more secure relationship so you can have more trust and confidence with your partner.

Married and flirting? This is a must-listen episode!

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Question::

I’m very happily married, and have a great sex life, but lately I’ve been fantasizing / desiring a close family friend of ours. I would not do anything realistically to break the bond with my wife, but I feel a lot of guilt due to my feelings toward the other woman. Is this a normal thing? I would never (I don’t think…) do anything considered rude behavior to our friend. We tease at times, but it is just considered innocent behavior, and she feels very comfortable around me, and I her. I think I’m just going through some sort of confusing phase in my life. What advice would you propose? I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings, or put anything or anyone in an uncomfortable situation. Matters of the heart can get muddled at times….

Answer:: 

Hey,

Thanks for being in touch.
Being married and flirting can be a tough combination. One misstep and you may end up with a lot of emotional fallout. Being married and flirting should not be mutually exclusive, however! Flirting can be totally innocent and make you feel good about yourself.
First, let us assure you that your feelings are totally normal. Married and flirting? Join the club! Most people, married or otherwise, feel attraction to more than one person. Most of the time flirting is totally harmless and can actually feel great, giving you more confidence and energy to bring back to your wife.
There is a huge difference between Fantasy and Desire – we all can have very active fantasies that do not match our desire for real life experience. For more on this point, read here: http://www.pleasuremechanics.com/fantasy/
Keeping a clear line between fantasy and desire is crucial – just like you can go to a horror movie and enjoy the fantasy of it, but not really want to experience blood and gore in real life, your fantasy life is your own. As long as you have good boundaries!
You may want to do some thinking and explore if there are any desires for real life experiences or sexual needs that are not being met, and then take small steps with your wife to become more fulfilled. Often when we fantasize about another person there is a specific energy or element that excites us (playfulness? feeling desired? danger?) and you can take steps to bring more of that into your actual sex life.
I would also say that it is normal and healthy to have intimate relationships outside of your marriage – close friendships are important! As long as you know where the boundaries are, and can trust yourself to maintain them, you can relax and enjoy the closeness. And the more you communicate and cultivate trust with your wife, the more she can relax and allow you to have intimacy with other people.
You may also want to listen to our podcast episode, How To Prevent Cheating. We explore a lot of the question about how to communicate to create solid boundaries while getting your needs met!
Let me know if you have any follow up questions!
Thanks for being in touch!
Chris

Q&A: How To Be More Confident In Bed

Question:: Hello I was just wondering maybe you could help. I am embarrassed to be talking about this so do forgive me. I just wanted to know is there anyway of finding courage so I could give my boyfriend pleasure as I’m just a coward and he ends up doing everything. I don’t have one bit of a clue what to do I am scared to try if I just mess everything up! Is there any thing I could do to build up confidence so I can take over instead of him, it’s really embarrassing and makes me feel ashamed so please can you help I would be most grateful. thank you.

 

Answer:: Hey there,

Thanks so much for being in touch!
Gaining more confidence in pleasuring your partner will be an amazing experience for you- the opportunity to express love through touch is incredible, and so much of what we do is to allow people to have that experience.
Try to let go of your shame around this – no one was given a manual on how to be a good lover! You are not alone in your struggle to gain more confidence and know how to give more pleasure. The fact that you are ready to learn means you are about to launch into a very pleasurable exploration! And it is very hard to “mess everything up” – just your willingness to try to give him pleasure will be really hot for most people!
Also be sure to ask him how he likes to be touched, what he wants from your sex life. And be willing to tell him the same. The ability to talk about sex openly is a huge skill for couples to develop. Start simple – say something like “for the next ten minutes I want to give you as much pleasure as possible – what do you want me to do to you?” and know you can always negotiate “well i don’t want to do that right now, but what about this?”
Please consider start by learning massage with our video guides – it is a really non-intimidating way to get started and can be an amazing part of intimacy. Then maybe you want to learn how to pleasure him with just your hands? And then of course, let him learn how to pleasure you more fully!
Be in touch if any questions come up along your journey.
All our best,
Chris and Charlotte