Pleasure Mechanics

Sex Addiction Myth & Facts

  • What is sex addiction?
  • Can sex be addictive?
  • Am I addicted to sex?
  • How do I treat my sex addiction?
  • Is sex addiction really a myth?

Here’s what is undeniably true: many people struggle with an experience that has been named sex addiction. Unwanted desire, distracting lust, unsafe behavior, consuming focus on porn, cheating and more has been blamed on the experience of sex addiction. The experience is real, and often painful, and unwanted. We have compassion for everyone feeling this kind of pain and struggle.

But here’s what’s also true: sex addiction is (often) a myth.

The research is still out on if very few people prone to addiction can tangle sexual behavior into already addictive behaviors and personalities – but currently, sex addiction is not a diagnosis supported by any major mental health association.

We are not mental health experts nor therapists. Here are resources, links and research we have gathered from across the fields to help you get a conversation started about Sex Addiction.

Sexual Shame has been weaponized, and there is a huge industry built around “treating” sex addiction.

The biggest predictor of the experience of “sex addiction” is religious shame.

Sex Addiction is usually Compulsive Sexual Behavior – and there are effective treatments and interventions available to help folks manage all kinds of compulsive behavior while also addressing the underlying pain, shame or trauma that is causing it.

Here is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) position statement on sex addiction:

AASECT recognizes that people may experience significant physical, psychological, spiritual and sexual health consequences related to their sexual urges, thoughts or behaviors. AASECT recommends that its members utilize models that do not unduly pathologize consensual sexual behaviors. AASECT 1) does not find sufficient empirical evidence to support the classification of sex addiction or porn addiction as a mental health disorder, and 2) does not find the sexual addiction training and treatment methods and educational pedagogies to be adequately informed by accurate human sexuality knowledge. Therefore, it is the position of AASECT that linking problems related to sexual urges, thoughts or behaviors to a porn/sexual addiction process cannot be advanced by AASECT as a standard of practice for sexuality education delivery, counseling or therapy.

If you are experiencing compulsive sexual behavior, addiction like experiences or if sex is an ongoing source of pain for you, please ask for help. Use AASECT’s therapist finder or the tools here to help you locate professional support that is culturally relevant, accessible and affordable for you.

Sex Worth Wanting

A lot of people ask us about desire – why don’t I want sex more? I used to want sex way more than I do now. What is wrong with me? What does it mean if I want sex, but not with my partner?

These are all questions worth exploring – but perhaps a more useful question is Is The Sex You Are Having Sex Worth Wanting? Here is an excerpt from our recent interview with Emily Nagoski, author of the bestselling book on female sexuality, Come As You Are:

“Many people are expecting to have high desire for whatever forms of sex are available. There is little questioning of which kinds of sex one is expected to desire. It has been a quantity-focused discourse. The reality is that those who refuse to settle are creating the foundations for having sex worth wanting” – Sex Researcher Peggy Kleinplatz

What kind of sex is worth wanting for you, at this stage of your life? What would make sex more worth wanting? How can you get specific about what you are longing for, so you can take steps towards feeling more sexually satisfied and perhaps even fulfilled!

We’re here for you as you explore your pleasures, desires and wants.

Here are some resources for you to help you make your sex worth wanting!

Need personalized support? Join our newsletter community below (or better yet, enroll in our free online course!) and you’ll be in direct email communication with us – we’d love to hear what is on your mind!

Sex Worth Wanting : Start Here

What Would Make Your Sex Worth Wanting?

Build your erotic capacity with our online courses:

“Optimal sexual experience may involve those moments of deep connection in which both lovers are psychologically and sexually accessible, engaged and responsive to whatever lies deep within.” ~ Kleinplatz, Ménard, Paquet, Paradis, Campbell, et al (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex” Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(1-2), 1-13.)

We are grateful to Kleinplatz, Ménard and their colleagues who are choosing to research Optimal Sexual Experiences. Far too much research is focused on “dysfunctions” while there has been far too little inquiry into pleasure, joy and bliss. We look forward to further conversations about Optimal Sexual Experiences. Find out more about their research here.

Pleasure Is The Measure

“Pleasure Is The Measure! Of sexual wellbeing, I mean. Pleasure. Not how much you want sex, not how much sex you have, or with whom, or what you do, or where or how often. The key to assessing your own sexual wellbeing is not how much you want sex, but how much you like the sex you are having. Pleasure is the measure.” ~ Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

Pleasure Is The Measure means that the only standard or aspirational goal to strive for is your pleasure, on your own terms. Does it feel good to you? That means you are doing it right!

Far too much of our attention and awareness is given over to harmful standards and oppressive norms that tells us we are broken – when really we are all quite normal and operating within a healthy range of the human experience.

Pleasure Is The Measure can remind you that you are normal, you are not broken and your pleasure and joy matters.

In 2017 we designed a set of 6 PleasureMechanics stickers and wrote to Emily Nagoski for permission to use this phrase she had coined in 2016. She graciously agreed and in the years since Pleasure Is The Measure has become a community anthem amongst the growing ranks of Pleasure Activists, Erotic Educators and sex positive therapists and doctors who all believe that Pleasure Is The Measure!

What does #PleasureIsTheMeasure mean to you?

Join our newsletter community below (or better yet, enroll in our free online course!) and you’ll be in direct email communication with us – we’d love to hear what is on your mind!

Come As You Are

Come As You Are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life by Emily Nagoski is a must-read for anyone interested in human sexuality – and since you are here, we bet that is you!

This book introduces you to research-backed frameworks that help you understand your own experience of sex. You’ll get tools to understand the most essential lessons of all: you are normal, your body isn’t broken, and you can gain erotic joy and confidence over time. Come As You Are invites you to come home to yourself, just as you are, and that’s why it will always be one of our foundational texts and recommendations.

Nagoski shines in making even the geekiest science relatable and accessible for us all. With equal parts science and story, this book offers a wellspring of erotic knowledge that we all need – and need to share!

Come As You Are is now out in a revised 2nd edition, and pairs fabulously with Nagoski’s companion Come As You Are Workbook – an interactive guide with plenty of space for you to explore your own truths.

Come As You Are Inspired Podcast Episodes

Here are some Speaking Of Sex Podcast episodes covering some of the key concepts from Come As You Are, along with our interviews with author Emily Nagoski.

Emily Nagoski’s TED Talks + A Burnout Bonus

And there’s more! Here’s a roundup of other great interviews and resources!

https://youtu.be/jVKo_VwuMoQ

Sing It With Us: Emily & Amelia Nagoski lead the crowd at NinjaTED Vancouver in The Genital Song

Anal Pleasure 101

  • For all bodies, it is an area with a vast potential for pleasure, arousal and orgasm.
  • It is designed for erotic pleasure and is one of the most sensitive zones of the entire body.
  • Stimulation of the area is sometimes feared and sometimes desired.
  • It is often one of the last frontiers to embrace for a fully orgasmic life.

This area of the body has SO much orgasmic possibility, yet many people ignore it.

It is time to get to know the erotic potential of your anal region. Here’s a bit more about this part of the human sexual system.

When you are ready to master these skills, check out our courses for stroke by stroke guidance: Anal Sex For Women & Prostate Massage For Men

Maybe you’ve already had phenomenal erotic experiences with this area and are ready to ignite even more pleasure.

Maybe you’ve never explored it at all, and are a bit curious how it could fit into the sex you already enjoy.

Or maybe you’ve had a bad experience in the past, were hurt or injured in this area, and have written it off.

Or maybe you’ve considered it far too taboo, because of what you think it will “mean” about you.

Perhaps you worry as a straight man it might make you be seen as gay or as a woman it might take you over an invisible line into slutty “bad girl” territory.

Or you are worried that it is just a bit gross. These are all common concerns.

No matter where you are now, we are here to tell you that exploring this area can be one of the biggest leaps forward in your sex life.

This is true for ALL of our human bodies! The anal area is part of both the human sexual system on all bodies, with tons of nerve endings that are wired into your arousal and orgasmic response.

Isn’t it worth examining your concerns and then exploring it a few times, to see what kind of pleasure may be there for you?

You don’t have to go “all the way” to full penetration to enjoy this area. In fact, most of the pleasure-giving nerve endings are found externally!

Skilled touch of the external an*l area can add huge amounts of arousal to the sex you are already having. Combine it with oral sex, a handjob or clitoral stimulation and notice just how much more sensation is unlocked!

Try It:

  • Talk to your partner about adding anal stimulation before you try it – no surprises!
  • Agree that you will try external only to start, so the receiving partner can relax and enjoy the sensations without wondering what is coming next
  • Make a shower part of the foreplay and get the area squeaky clean
  • Use a bit of lube and explore just the external area
  • If you enjoy your external explorations, master this skill with our courses for men and for women. We’ll show you how to make it all feel 100% pleasurable and 100% pain free every time!

When you are ready to master these skills, check out our courses for stroke by stroke guidance:

Anal Play For Women

Prostate Massage For Men

If you are curious but still have a lot of questions about this, check out some of our podcasts on the subject!