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What Are You Hungry For? Interview With Dawn Serra

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Close up image of ripe blueberries with words: "What Are You Hungry For? Interview With Dawn Serra Podcast Episode"

What are you hungry for? What do you crave? What do you want so much you can taste it?

The fabulous Dawn Serra joins us for a conversation about recovering a joyful relationship to pleasure, desire and hunger. We explore what food and sexuality have in common as arenas of experiencing and realms of both struggle and liberation.

If you are ready for a deep dive into your relationship to pleasure, power and desire, join Dawn for her Power In Pleasure online course*, a 5 week experience enrolling now and starting July 21 2019! If you have been wanting to rewrite your scripts around pleasure and come into a more joyful relationship to your desires, join Dawn for this supportive group experience.

Colorful mosaic of small images of fruit, flowers and other nature imagery. Words read Power In Pleasure: A New Course By Dawn Serra

For more from Dawn, tune into our previous podcast episode:

Body Confidence with Dawn Serra

*When you enroll in this course we receive a small portion of the sale to support the podcast and our work. We have been through this course and highly recommend it!


Transcript of Podcast Episode What Are You Hungry For? Interview With Dawn Serra

Podcast transcripts are generated with love by humans, and thus may not be 100% accurate. Time stamps are included so you can cross reference or jump to any point in the podcast episode above. THANKS to the members of our Pleasure Pod for helping make transcripts and the rest of our free offerings happen! If you love what we offer, find ways to show your love and dive deeper with us here: SHOW SOME LOVE

Chris Rose: 00:00 Welcome to Speaking of Sex with the Pleasure Mechanics. This is Chris from pleasuremechanics.com, and on today’s episode, we are speaking with the fabulous Dawn Serra about hunger, pleasure, and desire. Dawn is one of my favorite thinkers in the field about sexuality and bodies, and at the end of our conversation she will invite you into a new course she is offering, a five week exploration of your relationship to pleasure and power and desire and hunger in your body. It’s a beautiful course. It is one I have gone through myself, and I highly recommend the experience if you are looking for an in depth exploration of pleasure and your relationship to it. Really, these questions of desire and worthiness, and what you allow for yourself is what this course will help you address in a safe, supportive community.

Chris Rose: 01:02 Without further ado, here is my conversation with Dawn Serra about hunger and pleasure. I will link in the show notes page to my previous conversations with Dawn and the collaborations we have done in the past. Of course, I will link to her new course which is enrolling now to start on July 21st. If you are listening to this now, consider this invitation and enroll using the link in the show notes page. If it is not the right moment for you or if you hear this in the future but are curious what Dawn is doing, that link will take you to her website and all of the events and offerings. She always has something going on. Here is my conversation with Dawn Serra. Remember, you can find all of our podcast archives at pleasuremechanics.com. Cheers.

Chris Rose: 01:51 Dawn Serra, welcome back to Speaking of Sex.

Dawn Serra: 01:55 Thank you so much for having me back.

Chris Rose: 01:57 Mm-hmm (affirmative). We will link to our previous conversations in the show notes, but for newcomers to the delightful Dawn, will you introduce yourself and a little bit about the work you do?

Dawn Serra: 02:09 I am a sex and relationship coach. I am about to finish my certification for being a body trust provider through Be Nourished. I have a podcast called Sex Gets Real. I run an annual online free summit Explore More. My spheres are really around pleasure, bodies, connection, healing, and how all of that ties to the erotic and sex, and even just the ways that we move through our lives and our relationships. I’m really diving deep lately into the connection between hunger and desire and the ways that we approach food and the ways we approach sex, and how often those things are deeply linked. It’s been a really, really, really extraordinary space for me this past year and a half, to be able to go really deep into this. It feels really yummy.

Chris Rose: 03:10 Mm-hmm (affirmative), and this is exactly where I want to focus, is this question of hunger. Pleasure and hunger, hunger and desire. What does it mean to be hungry for something? You’ve been doing so much beautiful thinking about these intersections. Will you just take us gently into these waters? How do you think about the word hunger right now?

Dawn Serra: 03:38 I think that it can have so many different meanings, but often when we think about hunger we tend to go straight towards food, which is practical of us. But, I also really like thinking about hunger as the things that we feel we need in order to be nourished. When I think abut the things that I need in order to feel nourished, the things that I want that would give me a sense of satisfaction or that would give me a sense of aliveness, those things extend far beyond but do include food. I think about touch. I think about connection and community. I think about play. I think about people that I love and tapping into my senses.

Dawn Serra: 04:37 When I really thinking about hunger from this place of the things that would nourish me and there’s this kind of wanting, this craving or this need behind it, it’s so much bigger than food, but definitely, definitely includes it. We tend to have a really complicated relationship with food because of diet culture. I think something else for me when I think about hunger is also that it’s complicated for a lot of us. That, hunger starts out fairly straightforward for us as tiny humans, but becomes very complicated for us as we grow into adulthood, especially in this particular iteration of culture. Yeah, I think it’s an important thing and a complicated thing.

Chris Rose: 05:24 I’m noticing that you went to hunger for what we need to be nourished, rather than fed or in order to survive. You one upped this notion of just feeding our bodies as a functional thing, and went to this idea of nourishment.

Dawn Serra: 05:42 Yeah.

Chris Rose: 05:42 What does the word nourishment mean to you?

Dawn Serra: 05:48 That’s a really great question. When I think about nourishment, I think about kind of a tiered experience. At its foundation, nourishment is what keeps me alive. It’s the things that feed my cells, that keep me breathing, that keep my body safe. And, I want to do more than survive. I want to thrive. I want to know joy. I want to know curiosity and play. For me, nourishment is what sets the stage for all of those things that bring me that deepest sense of aliveness. What nourishes my creativity? What nourishes my curiosity? What nourishes my play?

Dawn Serra: 06:47 When I think about nourishment, I think about not only the mechanics of keeping this body going, but also all of those less tangible things that keep me connected to my life, invested in my life, able to do the things that I like to do in this body as it is right now. It’s very sensitive to what is rather than the dream of what I wish was.

Dawn Serra: 07:21 I also think about nourishment as something that gets me to a place of satisfaction. You know, it’s not just, as you said, functional. I think that there is a cultural story that we should be treating our bodies as if they’re machines, but we’re human beings, we’re not machines. We are so much more than just input/output, and what you see is what you get. Right?

Dawn Serra: 07:53 When I think about nourishment I also think about some of those things like spirituality. How can I be spiritually nourished? How can I be ritually nourished? I think some of the things that go into that are love and acceptance and witnessing and healing. I think all of those, for me, are inside of nourishment.

Chris Rose: 08:19 Mm-hmm (affirmative). I’m curious, in your journey, as you’ve expanded your understanding of pleasure and nourishment and embraced and kind of practiced it in your life, has the importance of sex changed? Has it gotten deprioritized? Has it been complicated in some way? Like, is there a way we over focus on sexuality sometimes as a placeholder for a bigger conversation we haven’t had yet? Does that question make sense?

Dawn Serra: 08:56 Totally makes sense, and 100% yes. You know, that’s another thing that I want to tread on very lightly and with a lot of nuance. I think sex is so important for so many reasons. I think sex has the potential to be deeply nourishing, to expand our awareness of body and self, to deepen into pleasure that we didn’t know is possible. I think sex can help us do those things. And, I also think that there are so many pathways to embodiment, pleasure, connection, nourishment, feeling love, feeling connected beyond sex.

Dawn Serra: 09:45 I think that we often struggle to recognize those things because there’s such a hierarchy of pleasure that we have in this culture, and we’re taught that sex is the epitome of manhood, that sex is what makes you free, to be engaged in sex is to be someone who is sex positive, is to be someone who is evolved. All of these labels that we’ve kind of piled on top of sex, and I think sex is just one piece of this massive, massive puzzle of all the ways that we can get so many of our needs met.

Dawn Serra: 10:30 As I’ve started doing this work, it hasn’t shifted my love of having really delicious, yummy sex, but I think that it’s really shown me that, often, we are using sex culturally speaking but there’s also a very gendered element to it as well, that is a stand in for being able to say, “I feel lonely and I’d like to connect. I’m feeling stressed out and I could use a way to relax. I am feeling distant from you and I’d like to feel closer. I don’t have enough play in my life, I wish I could be silly.”

Dawn Serra: 11:10 I think so many of us put so much pressure and importance on sex, and when we start doing this work to really examine what are all the things that we’re hungry for, what are all of the things that could potentially bring us a sense of nourishment and connection and being seen, and in these imperfect versions of ourselves that we are, we start to see all of these other opportunities for getting needs met and also for being able to connect with people who are at a variety of places in their lives and in our lives. Our options become so much greater when we can kind of blow it out and stop focusing just on this one thing as a means to get so many of our other needs met.

Chris Rose: 12:02 Brilliant, beautiful, bam. Love it.

Dawn Serra: 12:05 Bam.

Chris Rose: 12:07 I’m curious, because you have been in this immersion around pleasure for many years. In the past year, I’ve noticed you’ve been bringing a lot of work around mindfulness and embodiment practices into what you’re sharing with your community. Can you speak a little bit about the practices of pleasure in your life and what space you’ve created for them, and then what those practices have brought you?

Dawn Serra: 12:37 Yeah. I think the first thing I want to start with is I am just like everyone else in that, prioritizing pleasure is fraught and it’s hard and it’s really easy to forget to do or to deprioritize in service of other things that feel more pressing. My practice is woefully inconsistent sometimes. Part of the work is being okay with that. I don’t want this to turn into another weapon with which I beat myself. I think so much of the work for me has been in yes, planning for big delicious luscious events that I can really just sink into for a longer period of time.

Dawn Serra: 13:31 But also, what are all of those micro points throughout the day and throughout the week where I can just really touch in for a couple of minutes, maybe a half an hour, and just really kind of feel into something yummy at the pace that fits that day. I think so much of what I’ve found is that, whether it’s a five minute slow walk outside or standing out on my balcony and just letting the sun be on my face for a few minutes and the wind in my hair or savoring a really delicious bite of food, even those small things are really important to just helping me to be present and helping me to kind of feel into this body that’s sometimes really hard to be in.

Dawn Serra: 14:22 That’s also given me a way to be a little bit more resourced. I’ve also really been thinking about the ways that I have deeply internalized the stories and the messages of capitalism. I’m trying to really start untangling that messy knot of my productivity does not determine my value, but it is hard to break up with that story. By having these small pleasure practices, I’m finding that disrupts that a little bit. That’s also a really helpful way to start kind of shifting some of those stories.

Dawn Serra: 15:03 Some of my pleasure practices include smells that I really enjoy. I love the smell of lavender and so I have some lavender bunches around my office. Sometimes I’ll just take a few minutes to smell that and just really be in the smell and the scent of the pleasure of that for a few moments. I get so much pleasure from play, and so at least once a day, sometimes more, I will cajole Alex into playing a game with me. Then we’ll do something really fun and ridiculous. Sometimes the game lasts five or 10 minutes, sometimes it lasts an hour. But, at least once a day there needs to be some type of game playing. I also have taken a lot of pleasure, I realized recently that one of the things that brings me tremendous pleasure is experimenting in the kitchen. I’m sure part of that is, prior to being in sex education, I was a food blogger and I was teaching cooking classes.

Chris Rose: 16:05 I didn’t know that.

Dawn Serra: 16:09 Yeah, I know, right? Hidden secret. Being in the kitchen for me is also deeply pleasurable. It’s not even necessarily about eating the thing, although that is also really pleasurable, but spending multiple days making sourdough bread or spending a couple of hours, like last night I made Mama Funko’s Cereal Milk Ice Cream. Just doing those things of being really present and watching things develop for me is a big pleasure practice. For a while, I had stopped doing that because I was just too busy or too tired. I realized several months ago that, even though it does exhaust me sometimes being in the kitchen for multiple hours, I feel really happy and nourished at the end. Like, it’s a good kind of tired. I’ve been prioritizing that a lot more. Our kitchen right now looks like a great big experiment because I’m just trying so many different things and that feels fun.

Dawn Serra: 17:09 For me, a bit part of the pleasure practice is finding the micro moments and honoring them, like, noticing them. Noticing that I slowed down to take a picture of that flower I really liked, and being a little bit mindful. Then, also some of the bigger things. Can we take an afternoon to go lounge at the park and read books? Or can we go hang out with our friends and have a great big dinner party full of really rich discussion. That, for me, is one of my greatest life’s pleasures. Or, we just got back from three weeks away, and while we did work while we were away a little bit, I was only working at like 15% capacity because I was trying to really center pleasure.

Chris Rose: 17:54 When people hear this, they may feel a stirring of hunger. Right? I think often in our podcasts when we paint pictures of what is possible, I’m sometimes aware of this kind of dual thing of painting the picture of what’s possible, and also knowing that there’s this kind of gap between feeling the hunger for these pleasures, feeling the hunger of three weeks of vacation, and then the steps of creating that as your reality. What is your process between recognizing hungers, kind of discernment between hungers that are fantasies and hungers that are things that you might actually give yourself permission to reach for? Then like, bumping up into those places of like, how dare you ask for that? How dare you ask for an afternoon off reading in that park? The ways we’re taught not to be hungry.

Dawn Serra: 18:59 Yeah. I think that’s part of the work, and that’s one of the reasons why I mentioned nuance earlier around this is, our lives are all so different. The ways that we move through them are very different. We experience different levels of access to resources and support and all of that is real and true. I want to be very careful to never prescribe to someone the way to do pleasure, the way to do hunger. I can’t possibly know what it’s like to be an indigenous trans queer person who is poor. I could never know that experience.

Dawn Serra: 19:52 I think one of the parts of this work is really taking an honest look at our lives and taking a look at, what are some of the things that maybe I can change, maybe I can influence but they feel scary, and what are some of the things that it’s just the way they are right now and I might not be able to change them but maybe I can do something different within them? I think those are important. Maybe I have to work three jobs right now to keep a roof over my head, and not working three jobs isn’t an option. Then that’s true. How, inside of that, can maybe I find small moments to be able to feel into some of the things that I’m hungry for?

Dawn Serra: 20:36 I think inside of that too is some grief work, and that’s one of the things I have really found is important. I talked to Afro Sexology earlier this year and they were talking about how the deeper they went into their pleasure the deeper they also went into pain. I think that that’s also a really important thing to just name, that the more we open to any feeling, the more we open to all feelings.

Chris Rose: 21:02 All of them.

Dawn Serra: 21:04 All of the feelings, yeah. So much of this work around pleasure is deep grief work.

Chris Rose: 21:10 Yeah.

Dawn Serra: 21:11 Deep grief work. You know, what all of the things that I never allowed myself because I didn’t feel worthy? That’s probably a lot, and there’s probably a lot of grief and anger inside of that. What are all the things that I told myself I would do one day when, because I didn’t feel worthy of doing it then? How many decades maybe passed? How many years? How many missed opportunities and missed connections? There’s grief in that, or maybe because of choices that I made in the past, I ended up here, and I wish I could have chosen differently. That’s grief work that we have to do around our hungers.

Dawn Serra: 21:51 And, I think some of where the work is too is really starting to kind of confront some of the things that we don’t allow ourselves because we don’t feel worthy of the wanting. That, I think, is such an interesting place. We all are existing inside of capitalism and neoliberalism and white supremacy and sex negativity. I mean, all those things are true, and there are still ways to connect, to touch in with our lives. Really, really small ways even inside of those things if we want to or if we have the ability to.

Dawn Serra: 22:31 Even when we start to realize, well, maybe I could ask for something different. Maybe this thing that hasn’t been working for me in a really long time in my relationship is something I could ask for to change, but then the fear comes up because we’re afraid of being left. We’re afraid of being alone and abandoned. We’re afraid of being judged and shamed, especially if that’s happened in the past. We’re afraid of so many things that then, we limit ourselves on top of the limitations that exist in the world. I think so much of the work around pleasure is recognizing the actual limitations, and then realizing the ways we limit ourselves.

Dawn Serra: 23:15 Sometimes those limitations we place on ourselves are deeply protective. Sometimes we do have to go with the flow in order to keep that roof over of our head, in order to not be kicked out of the group, and those things are all whys, but at least being able to notice them and to speak truth to them, then gives us an opportunity to decide if we want to stay, can we leave, can we change something. That’s what I want for people, is more choice and more opportunity to see where there are choices. That brings in that element of awareness.

Dawn Serra: 23:51 You know, you and I have talked about this in the past and I just love it. I’ve brought it into so many of the things that I have done, which is just, our hungers are always going to be bigger than our lives can hold in so many ways. Our desires are going to be bigger than our lives can hold in so many ways. Inside of that, then, some of the work around pleasure is really kind of saying, what do I need to grieve and how can I honor that this is true? How can I honor that I really, really, really for my whole life have wanted to move to Iceland? Or, I’ve really, really, really for my whole life wanted to write a book. Or, whatever it is. Maybe because of the circumstances of my lief right now, those things just can’t happen, or it’s very unlikely that they will.

Dawn Serra: 24:42 How can I say, yes, those things are good and true and real and I am deserving of them, and they’re just not possible right now and so I’m allowed to feel sad about that and I’m allowed to feel disappointed. But, the life that I’m leading right now, there’s other things that I want to be putting my time and energy to, and so I have to let those things just be things that don’t get to get fulfilled. There’s so many moving pieces in this, of the feeling into the grief and the anger, feeling into the fear, finding ways to celebrate what is, working within the conditions of our lives and maybe working to change some of them, maybe not.

Dawn Serra: 25:29 Something that someone that I was working with a few months ago kind of realized was she was deeply unhappy with the sex that she was having in her marriage. She was feeling very pressured and dissatisfied. The stories she had been telling herself was, if I can just fix my low libido then everything else will be okay. She kind of got to a place of realizing, “I’m not broken. There’s nothing wrong with me.” But, what that then means is, the problem is with the relationship and that was too much for her. That was just not something she was able to face at that point in her life.

Dawn Serra: 26:15 She decided, “Okay, I’m just going to let this stay the way that it is and keep trying to work on myself a little bit more, because it’s too painful to think that maybe it’s this relationship and the way that we’re doing it.” That’s okay too. We get to take care of ourselves and do the things that we feel are most important that that juncture in our lives. I don’t have any judgment around that, but I think it’s the awareness that I want people to come into of just like, “Oh, maybe it’s not me. But, you know what? I can’t change this right now. I’ve got young kids. I can’t pay the mortgage on my own. This is just how it’s going to be and that might be uncomfortable, but now at least I can feel into, what are my options now that I’ve got this awareness.”

Chris Rose: 26:59 Right. Still making a choice, right, still having that agency around it.

Dawn Serra: 27:05 Right, right.

Chris Rose: 27:06 What are some of the things you’ve learned about food and eating and the body that have influenced how you think about sex, and some of the things you’ve learned about sex that influence how you talk about food? What are some of the surprising overlaps?

Dawn Serra: 27:23 You know, I think what’s kind of funny about it is, the more I reveal, the less surprised I am.

Chris Rose: 27:35 Yeah.

Dawn Serra: 27:35 It was kind of like that very first time that I finally made the connection I was like, “Holy crap.” The way we do food is the way that we do bodies and the way that we do sex, I mean, they’re all tied together and they’re all so adjacent. When we’re restricting the things that we enjoy around food, we’re often restricting the ways that we allow ourselves to access pleasure to be in our bodies. When we feel guilty about eating certain things, we often also feel guilty about fantasizing or wanting certain things. There’s just like, so much. The deeper I’ve gone into that, the less surprising and the more just kind of like, “Of course,” it’s become. Why didn’t I see this before? It just makes so much sense.

Dawn Serra: 28:23 I think one of the things that’s really hard for people, and I think maybe this is where not so much surprises come in, but kind of where some of the like, yeah, we really got to chew on this for a while, is often, people are ready to really start confronting their relationship with diet culture and fat phobia, and then they’re totally not ready to do the sex stuff. I find vice versa is often true. I find that there are so many people who will say, “I really want to change the way that I do sex. I want to feel more confident in my body. I want to be more present.” Then, as soon as we start talking about, what’s your relationship with food, with diets, all the things that go with that, there’s just this, “Whoa now, we’re supposed to be talking about sex.”

Dawn Serra: 29:23 There’s kind of this resistance of I just want to fix the sex part or, I just want to do food differently, not realizing that doing food differently then means you’re going to do everything differently in your life, and how deeply, deeply, deeply intertwined they are. Because, ultimately all of it: food, pleasure, sex, relationship, all of it comes down to, how much are we trusting our bodies? Can I really hear the things that my body is telling me? Is there a two way dialog happening? Can I communicate with my body and can I hear what my body is telling me, asking for? How am I with my boundaries? Pretty much everything when it comes to food and movement and sex has to do with boundaries. Am I able to really say here is what I want, here is what I don’t want, and to be able to tend to those boundaries, even if the people around me have really intense feelings about it?

Dawn Serra: 30:29 What’s interesting is what’s under the covers around food and around sex and the erotic, is body trust and boundaries. When we really start examining the ways that we interact with our body or we cut ourselves off from our body, and when we examine the ways that we do boundaries, especially with people that are really close to us in our lives like our family and our partners, we start finding all kinds of rubble and juicy, uncomfortable bits that start really revealing some of our patterns around the ways that we deny our hungers, twists our desires, distrust the signals of our bodies or we can’t speak up on behalf of them. Underneath it all, it’s all kind of standing on the same foundation. It’s just then, we’ve built on top of it kind of into these different silos and we don’t realize they’re all connected underneath.

Chris Rose: 31:35 Yeah, yeah. That, all of us are kind of standing together then in this culture that is breeding that distrust and teaching us that disconnection, and that interrupting it is a real process. I think that’s what surprises people again and again for in my email box, is like, how much work and process it is to start trusting the body, to start living into the body, sensing and the feelings, because it is counter-cultural.

Dawn Serra: 32:08 Yeah.

Chris Rose: 32:10 Can you talk a little bit about your upcoming offering? It’s starting soon. Talk to us about Power and Pleasure, please.

Dawn Serra: 32:20 Yes. I am completely in love with this experience, so if anyone’s listening and they’re getting that little, “Ooh, maybe I should check that out,” totally check it out because it’s awesome. I have a five week online course called Power and Pleasure. The course is really about us realizing that our power and our access to power is deeply tied to our pleasure. So much of the work that unfolds over the course is really about, what are these very small ways that we can just arrive with the body, with our hungers, our desires, how can we feel into our senses and just allow that to be a really gentle in road to the body? It’s this exploration of not only sex, certainly food, but all of the other things that we’re hungry for and our complicated relationships with our desire.

Dawn Serra: 33:32 Throughout the entire course, there’s this beautiful support that happens where people are witnessing each other’s really complicated stories, celebrating things that they do. We have group calls every week. They’re so intimate and so vulnerable, where we can really, really be in the ugly, complicated, messy, uncertain spaces and to not have to be there alone, and to find all of these ways by the end of the course to have lots of new questions to carry out into our lives, so that as the months unfold beyond the course, we start noticing all of these opportunities for pleasure, for honoring our hunger, for listening to our body, because we’ve started writing our way into some new stories over the course of the course.

Chris Rose: 34:30 The course starts July 22nd. Do you have to be in by July 22nd? How do you [crosstalk 00:34:36]

Dawn Serra: 34:36 You do have to be in by, actually I close it on July 21st because we have a pre-course call on that Sunday, and it’s all about safety. I think that’s something else that’s super important, and I will probably build it out in the years to come. But, something that I think gets missed in almost all of the conversations that I see specifically around sex and the erotic, is that safety has to come first. Safety has to come first. Our bodies literally can’t code things that might be pleasurable as pleasurable if we feel unsafe. It’s just not biologically possible. We’re wired for survival. Pleasure is nice to have once we’re sure we’re going to survive.

Dawn Serra: 35:23 We start the course with a pre-module, people get it a few days ahead of time or if they sign up on the very last day, which lots of people always do, then they get it that day and can work through it on their own time. But, we start with safety. July 21st is the cutoff. We have that pre-call where we talk about safety. Then it all kicks off on July 22nd. The thing that I really want people to walk away with is, this is not on us to do completely on our own. I don’t want to create something that contributes to this sense of, “I have to figure it out and pull myself up by my bootstraps and fix all the things myself.” That’s not how we heal.

Dawn Serra: 36:04 I want us to feel like we’re in this together, and that your pleasure is tied to my pleasure, is tied to everyone who’s listening’s pleasure. Let’s be in it together, a space to ask some new questions and practice some new things without having to feel like you’re doing it alone, to be able to say really, really scary things that maybe you can’t say other places, so that there’s just a little bit more space on the other side to feel into, “Oh, okay, maybe I am deserving. Maybe I am worthy. Maybe I can try these things, even if they feel scary.” Then, allow that to be something you curiously follow beyond the course.

Chris Rose: 36:48 Thank you for holding the space. This is an invitation for July 2019. If you’re listening to this down the road, hello future selves, use the links in the show notes page and you’ll come to all of Dawn’s beautiful work and offerings. There is always something going on at dawnserra.com.

Dawn Serra: 37:11 That’s very true.

Chris Rose: 37:13 The pleasure host with the most. We love you Dawn. It’s a pleasure to be in this field with you. Thank you for joining us once again on Speaking of Sex.

Dawn Serra: 37:21 Thank you so much for having me.

Chris Rose: 37:23 Thank you so much for listening. If you feel like this pleasure course is a good fit for you right now, I encourage you to use the link in the show notes page to explore Dawn’s course offering. It’s a super affordable course for the level of personal attention and group support you get on this five week journey of exploring your relationship to pleasure and your body. If this is a question that has been itching for you, I would definitely encourage you to check it out. As I said, I will be in that course with you exploring together and learning with you.

Chris Rose: 38:02 We will be back with you next week with another episode of Speaking of Sex with the Pleasure Mechanics. Meanwhile, find all of our archives and our online courses at pleasuremechanics.com. I am Chris from pleasuremechanics.com, wishing you a lifetime of pleasure. Cheers.

Not Always In The Mood: Dismantling Myths About Male Sexuality with Sarah Hunter Murray

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In this episode, Canadian sex therapist and researcher Sarah Hunter Murray joins us to dismantle the myths about male sexuality that are at the root of so much sexual struggle. Her book Not Always In The Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex & Relationships draws from in depth interviews with men to expose the persistent mythology about male sexuality that most of the time goes unquestioned.

You can find more from Sarah Hunter Murray and her book Not Always In The Mood at SarahHunterMurray.com


Transcript of Podcast Episode: Not Always In The Mood, An Interview With Sarah Hunter Murray PhD

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Chris Rose: 00:00 Welcome to Speaking of Sex with The Pleasure Mechanics. This is Chris from pleasuremechanics.com, and on today’s podcast, we have Sarah Hunter Murray, here to talk about the mythologies about male sexuality that are at the heart of so much sexual struggle for men and women alike. Sarah is the author of the new book, Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships.

Chris Rose: 00:30 I was so thrilled to find Sarah Hunter Murray’s book about the myths of male sexuality because I have long said on this podcast that we undersell men. We do men such a disservice when we talk about men’s sexuality as simple, easy, “They’re always in the mood, you just have to stroke them and they’ll get off.”, like “What’s the big deal? They’ll want to have sex with anything that moves.” We act like men are animals instead of the complex human beings we know them to be, and we have not brought ourselves culturally to having a nuanced, intelligent conversation about men’s sexuality, our assumptions about men’s sexuality, and the lived truths in men’s lives. And these are the truths that find themselves in my inbox day after day, year after year. The stories you all share with me reveal the nuanced, emotional, social nature of male sexuality, and it’s time we update our cultural narratives to reflect that nuance and that humanness, right?

Chris Rose: 01:45 So, let’s dive into this interview.

Chris Rose: 01:48 Sarah Hunter Murray is a fabulous sex therapist out of Canada, author of Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships. You’ll find all of the links to her work in the show notes page for this episode at pleasuremechanics.com.

Chris Rose: 02:06 Come on over to pleasuremechanics.com for our full podcast archive, to explore our online courses when you are ready to master new erotic skills, and subscribe to this podcast to join this weekly conversation about sex and sexuality here on Speaking of Sex with The Pleasure Mechanics.

Chris Rose: 02:26 Here is my interview with Sarah Hunter Murray.

S Hunter Murray: 02:30 Hi. I am Sarah Hunter Murray. I have a PhD in human sexuality, I work as a relationship therapist, I’m in private practice in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, and I’m the author of Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships.

Chris Rose: 02:47 And so, why this book? Why this topic? Why did men deserve a book of their own?

S Hunter Murray: 02:53 Yeah, great question.

S Hunter Murray: 02:55 So, when I started my research as a sexuality researcher … I identify as a woman, I am so curious about women’s experiences, and in fact, that’s what I started doing: I started exploring how women experience sexual desire. I was fascinated by the complexities and the nuances. And there was so much that I learned about times that women are in the mood, and not so much, and societal messages, and psychological issues, and biological pieces. And really, what started to kind of stand out to me as I was going along the process is that we were really talking about women as being these really complex creature, perhaps to a fault, kind of maybe over-complicating women’s sexuality some argue, and I would put myself in that camp. And I realized that we were doing a lot of comparing to men’s desire, kind of talking about how … And making assumptions, I would say, about how men’s desire is quite surface-level, straightforward, high. There was kind of this language that suggested that men were always in the mood, and it just kind of hit me one day, “That can’t be true, can it?”

S Hunter Murray: 04:02 And so, I set forth to do some research by actually interviewing men, having in-depth conversations, asking about how they experience sexual desire in their relationships, and whether these assumptions were accurate or maybe not at all correct about how they truly experience their sexual interest.

Chris Rose: 04:23 So, your book came like an answer to my prayers.

S Hunter Murray: 04:28 Oh, wow!

Chris Rose: 04:29 Thank you for writing it, because I have been hungry for a more in-depth analysis about male sexuality. I feel like we do them such a disservice when we think about male sexuality as simple, and easy to please.

Chris Rose: 04:41 So, let’s dive into these myths, because you also do such a great job of showing how these myths hurt all of us, and how the myths about male sexuality are in dialogue with the myths about female sexuality, and we’re all kind of in this sexual culture together, which is a lot of what we talk about on this podcast, is the effect of the culture.

Chris Rose: 05:04 So, let’s dive into these myths, and let’s maybe start with your title, Not Always in the Mood, and this myth of kind of constant sexual interest and high libido. Why did you choose to center this myth in the title and in the book?

S Hunter Murray: 05:20 Yeah, so the reason that I chose the title and to kind of really highlight this idea of “not always in the mood” is because I think it really touches on this overarching idea that we do hold about men’s sexual interests: that it is high, constant, unwavering, that they’re always thinking about sex, it’s always on their mind, and that if sex is on offer, and particularly in a relationship … And the men in my research are largely identifying as heterosexual. So, particularly then when a female partner initiates sex, that there’s this idea that they should always take it, that that’s their top priority, if you will. And the more and more that I kind of talk about this stereotype, the more it even kind of makes me cringe even having to say the stereotype because I just know about how limiting it is.

S Hunter Murray: 06:06 But I really thought it was important to just start poking a hole in that and saying let’s at least talk about the times that men aren’t in the mood, that sometimes there’s men who have low desire, problematically low desire, or even men who have “normal”, quote, unquote, healthy, even high desire still are human beings and not robots who just might not be in the mood sometimes for various reasons that I don’t think we really typically acknowledge.

Chris Rose: 06:33 Can you say that again? It’s high, unwavering …

S Hunter Murray: 06:36 High, constant, unwavering. Just this idea that it’s … I kind of use that, the language that almost implies that it’s robotic, right? That there’s not feelings and emotions, that there’s not sickness, and illness, and just stress, right? Men are of course humans, but I think when we talk about their sexual desire, we default to this language that implies that they don’t experience a full range of human emotions that impact all of us, and impact of course our sexuality as well.

Chris Rose: 07:08 Exactly. And then that becomes bundled with, once that opportunity for sex presents itself, you will be erect, and ready, and able to have an orgasm easily, right? Oversimplification, this tremendous pressure it puts on men.

Chris Rose: 07:22 What did you see as some of the stories, some of the symptoms that started surfacing as you got to talk to these men about their truth of their sexual experiences? How do they experience this myth?

S Hunter Murray: 07:36 Yeah, so when I was interviewing men … My first set of my research was on … I did these in-depth interviews. And so, I started by asking men about how true is this? Do you feel sexual desire? Are there ever times where you don’t? And I have to admit, a lot of the men actually did start by describing their desire as high, saying, “You know what? I’m more often or not in the mood. It’s hard to imagine a time where I wouldn’t want sex.”

S Hunter Murray: 08:04 But it didn’t take long, as our interviews continued … Which is what I love about these in-depth conversations, is because you get to move past that first thing that you say that comes out of your mouth. And men would start to open up about, “Oh, well, you know, maybe my desire isn’t as high as it used to be.” You know, men in their 30s, 40s, 50s, starting to kind of reflect on some changes they’ve experienced over time. Men would say things like, “Oh, well, if I’m tired or really sick …” Very understandable experiences again, but just starting to kind of talk about that exception to the rule.

S Hunter Murray: 08:38 But the thing that really caught my attention the most is that when men were talking about times they wouldn’t be in the mood to have sex, this came up in the interviews and again on my online larger qualitative study, they were talking about times that they didn’t feel emotionally connected to their partner. And I think that really deserves some attention and some conversation because we often think about men as wanting sex no matter what, or being so excited that sex is on offer that they might be able to kind of turn off some of those other emotions. But it came out very clearly and repeatedly through my research that if men were feeling a disconnect, if they were even having a fight with their partner, or maybe there was kind of this distance that hadn’t really been resolved, that their interest in having sex wasn’t always there, that they wanted that connection, they wanted to feel close in order to be physically intimate.

S Hunter Murray: 09:30 So, it’s something that we don’t really talk about when it comes to men’s sexual desire.

Chris Rose: 09:36 And you did such a beautiful job zooming in on this idea that if we believe men just want sex to get off, what does that kind of say to the gatekeepers of sex, traditionally the women? That it’s kind of an opportunity that they’ll say “yes” to no matter what, and that no matter what kind of then depersonalizes it and doesn’t speak to the emotional hunger that men are initiating with.

S Hunter Murray: 10:02 Absolutely.

Chris Rose: 10:03 This myth is so damaging for all of us. Can you bring us to that moment?

S Hunter Murray: 10:08 Yeah, absolutely.

S Hunter Murray: 10:10 And so, that was kind of this pivotal moment for me, was realizing that, as men were sharing their experiences with me, that they’re saying that sex is not just this physical need to get off. Sex ideally feels good. There’s some level of pleasure that’s experienced. It’s not that that’s not an important component. But again, this idea that it’s just about getting off, and for a partner, and say particularly female partner in the case of my research, if they believe that their male partner is simply looking to get off, they may be in a relationship where the expectation is that it’s monogamous and they’re the only appropriate person that they can engage with, there’s nothing sexy, or romantic, or flattering about that, right? It’s this really limited idea that you just want to get off. It’s not about connecting with me. It’s not about that moment of intimacy. And when that’s missing, you can understand, if any person feels that way about their partner, they might be inclined to turn down that sexual bid. It doesn’t feel sexy or make anyone feel good to think that you just want to get off.

S Hunter Murray: 11:18 But what men were saying in my research is that sex is this experience of emotional connection, of this deeper level of intimacy, and what they really wanted was to connect with their partner through sex. Of course, they talked about the side of it that feels good, but they really wanted … It was a bid for emotional connection.

S Hunter Murray: 11:40 And I think what’s so important … And I’ll speak about my clinical work as a relationship therapist. When I’m working with couples, and heterosexual couples particularly, where the female partner kind of can hear her male partner speak through that, I’ve seen it over and over again where she’ll just kind of have this deep sigh and be like, “Oh, okay. I get it.” Like, “That makes me feel better. That makes me feel like I understand where you’re coming from, that I know you better.” It doesn’t mean she has to say “yes” to his sexual advance just because it’s a bid for connection. But I think at least acknowledging that sex can be that bid for connection from men I think allows, particularly heterosexual couples who are taught these really limiting roles about how men and women are supposed to be, it gives them a better understanding of their partner, and an ability to say, “Oh, maybe you feel disconnected. You’re reaching out through sex. I don’t particularly feel turned on right now, but maybe we can kind of sit and talk, maybe I can warm up to the idea, maybe we can find a different way of connecting now and try sex later.”

S Hunter Murray: 12:43 But it’s an idea that, if we kind of understand the underlying motivation for our partner initiating sex, it just helps us to understand their inner world a little better, and maybe even find a way to connect if that’s sometimes like the ultimate thing that’s being sought after.

Chris Rose: 13:01 My brain’s going in about 10 directions right now. But one of those places is that what is being sought, and if we can bring intention and name that intention more clearly, then as you said, the options open up, the many sexual experiences, erotic connections you can have, and the pressure to perform, which dovetails with this other myth of the ever-performing penis really [crosstalk 00:13:28]. And that again just puts so much pressure on men to have sex mean one thing-

S Hunter Murray: 13:33 Yep.

Chris Rose: 13:34 … and that one thing be something he has to control and manage.

Chris Rose: 13:39 I’ve been hearing so much from men about the, not only pressure to have the erection and the ejaculation, but the pressure to kind of manage the whole sexual experience and be in control all the time.

S Hunter Murray: 13:52 Yes. Yes. And that was another thing that came up, this idea that men are feeling a lot of the responsibility around sexual activity, and again, particularly in heterosexual relationships, is on their shoulders. And there’s a good reason for that, because our society continues to, from a young age, reinforce men for seeking out sexual stimulation, sexual partners, kind of pushing to that next level of sexual intimacy. So, a lot of men can kind of relate to feeling in high school that men who … Or boys at time, sometimes, are being rewarded through popularity, high-fives, if they have a partner, if they have sex. And so, there’s this idea that they are positively rewarded for pursuing sexual activity. Whereas women, most women would say that their experience was more around the shaming of their sexuality, that they were taught to be passive, that good girls make him wait, having multiple sexual partners can give you labels of being a slut or a whore. And some women in high school tend to avoid wanting those labels. I think we kind of can challenge them as we become adults, but I think those assumptions about what men and women should do and what they’re rewarded or criticized for doing impacts how we enter into relationships.

Chris Rose: 15:20 Yeah.

S Hunter Murray: 15:21 And so, what I’ve heard is that men are saying the expectation tends to be that they initiate sex, that they flirt with their female partner, that they desire her, they tell her she’s beautiful, they are responsible during sex for providing sexual pleasure, and kind of feeling that that level of responsibility is kind of damaging for them. It’s a bit exhausting, but also that they feel so excited when those roles get reversed.

S Hunter Murray: 15:52 So, one of the myths that I talk about in the book is this idea that men say that they want to feel desired in return, that they like when their female partner compliments them, when she reaches out to touch him, even romantically, when she initiates sex, when it feels like there’s this role reversal and this feeling of being desired and wanted.

S Hunter Murray: 16:14 So, men were talking about how good that feels. And again, it’s just something particularly with heterosexual relationships where men and women receive such different messages growing up about what they should do. Men were saying they’re really ready to kind of challenge some of those norms and kind of split the workload, if you will, when it comes to sex.

Chris Rose: 16:35 And as a therapist, how do you work with people? Because sometimes in the podcast when we encourage these massive reframings of expectations and cultural norms, the next question is like, “Well, great. Now how?” Like, “I see the benefit. I know I want to, but undoing these programing can feel so challenging.”

Chris Rose: 17:00 What are some of the first steps for men to recognize which myths are impacting them the most, and start unpacking some of this for themselves?

S Hunter Murray: 17:08 Yeah. Really great question.

S Hunter Murray: 17:10 So, it depends. I talk through a bunch of different myths. And so, I think some readers have reached out to me to let me know that the book in general really hits home for them, and that kind of all the myths really apply.

Chris Rose: 17:25 Yeah.

S Hunter Murray: 17:25 Some of those people will reach out saying, “This one myth in particularly really resonated.”

S Hunter Murray: 17:30 But part of it is kind of figuring out what really hits home for you. My goal with this book, or presenting this research, is in no way to suggest a new mold of men’s sexuality. It is to suggest that maybe we can have a different discourse and allow for more nuances within men and between men about their experiences.

S Hunter Murray: 17:52 So, if we’re talking about this idea of wanting to feel desired as an example, what I would suggest is the first thing is just acknowledging. I really do take this approach that it’s not on men’s shoulders to change it, it’s not on women’s shoulders to feel responsible: it’s really about opening up a dialogue.

S Hunter Murray: 18:11 One of the couples that comes to mind for me, that I was working with, talks about how even having the language around “I want to feel desired. Feeling desired is important to me.” was a critical step in terms of even being able to acknowledge to himself that it was important, that he liked when his female partner kind of reassured him of being wanted through physical touch, just a quick kiss on the cheek when she passed by, giving him a rub on the shoulders. When she initiated sex, it kind of put him at ease that she wanted it, and that she was an excited participant. Sometimes he worried that if he initiated at the wrong time that he would either be rejected, or he had his own insecurities around whether she was kind of, quote, unquote, “just going along with it”, like consenting but not really being that excited about it. So, all of these things, as he was able to vocalize what was important about feeling desired, ways that she made him feel wanted, it helped him with the language, and it helped her understand his needs.

S Hunter Murray: 19:13 Now, with this particular couple, they were in their 60s. They had years and years of learning certain rules about how men and women are supposed to be. And she struggled with the idea of initiating sex because she had been taught for decades that that’s not what women do.

S Hunter Murray: 19:31 So, again to your point, not an easy thing for some people to kind of switch. But she actually, as we continued our work together, started to play around with the idea that she’s never been able to fully embrace sex on her schedule. She was always taught to wait for a partner to indicate he was in the mood or not. Or I guess that he was in the mood, sorry, and then she could see if she was or not. And as we continued our exploration of the messages she received about women and sexuality, she really started to open up about, “Wow! This could be really exciting for me to say, ‘Hey, I’m interested.'”, and tap into the times where her desire was there, but she never actually turned the feeling into action because she was always taught “That’s not what you do.”

S Hunter Murray: 20:14 So, I guess that’s a kind of long-winded answer to your question. But I think it starts with naming what is important to us, why is it important to us, and asking are there ways in this relationship that feel comfortable for both of us to take some responsibility to kind of shift these dynamics. They don’t blame. There’s no expectation that things have to kind of shift on a dime. Some people find these things a little easier to incorporate sooner, and other people, like I said with this couple in their 60s that’s coming to mind for me now, there’s a lot of years to kind of unpack and reverse in order to kind of challenge some of these myths.

Chris Rose: 20:53 Yeah. And there seems to be this double burden of there’s the struggle itself of you’re not having the sex you want, or the kind of sexual expression you want, and then there’s the experience on top of that of the shame and what that means about you, and your worth, and your position in the relationship. And we should try to excavate for ourselves where is the struggle? Is it the actual experience I’m having with my soft penis, or is it the story I’m putting on what that means?

S Hunter Murray: 21:27 Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes, throughout my research, men would say things like if they weren’t in the mood, if they turned down sex, and whether or not that’s because they had an erection or not, or could or could not obtain erection, or they just weren’t kind of mentally there, sometimes they were worried about how their female partner respond. Would she judge, or would she say “no” next time? And there was kind of some men who talked about that concern.

S Hunter Murray: 21:55 But some men said, even if their female partner was understanding and reassuring that they actually felt there was something wrong with them on a personal level, that no amount of reassurance was really going to cut it for them, that they held such a high standard for themselves in terms of being in the mood, “That’s what men should do. That’s what I’ve been told men should do. I’m not meeting that norm.”, and talking about the struggle that they experienced internally, and the judgements they put on themselves in those moments, which I think what you’re speaking to is that only intensifies and amplifies those negative feelings, and makes enjoyable sex less likely. That pressure doesn’t really work in our favor.

Chris Rose: 22:43 A few moments ago you said something I’m so curious about. You said that you, in the book, don’t position a new model for male sexuality. I’m curious where you come down on, after these conversations, after your years of clinical practice, where are you seeing our sex culture right now? Where do you feel like we need to head? Do we have a broken system? Where are you falling on that?

S Hunter Murray: 23:08 Yeah. Yeah. That’s a great question.

S Hunter Murray: 23:12 I guess what I mean when I say I’m not trying to create a new mold of male sexuality is because I do find sometimes when I have written an article, whether it’s for Psychology Today, or I’ve given a quick interview, I do get a lot of really positive feedback and response, whether it’s from men, or women, or both, and couples, saying, “This really resonates. I finally feel seen. I finally feel like I understand my partner.”

S Hunter Murray: 23:40 Almost inevitably, I’ll get that one random comment from someone who says, “Well, I’m always in the mood. I always feel desire.” I’m like, “Okay, that’s fine.” I’m not trying to say that just because the men that have participated in my research and the themes and findings that I’ve found … If that doesn’t speak to you, that’s fine. Not all men are going to fit in this description. But what I really do want to suggest is that we know that other side, right? We’re used to that person, whether it’s a singer, or a rapper, or a music video, or a TV show, or a movie. We’re used to that archetype of that man who’s like, “I’m always in the mood, need lots of women, cheating because I can’t be satisfied in a monogamous relationship.” I was like, “We know that story.” What we don’t have as much knowledge of or space to talk about is all the nuances, the complexities, the time men aren’t in the mood, the things that would decrease their sexual interest, the emotional vulnerability involved in initiating sex, the deep feelings of rejection that can happen when sexual initiation and that bid for connection isn’t met.

S Hunter Murray: 24:58 We don’t talk about that emotional side of men’s sexuality and their sexual desire specifically, and I think that really is causing a disservice to us socially. I think it’s keeping men in these narrow boxes about what they should demonstrate. I think it’s making female partners feel disconnected from their male partners with those assumptions that we talked about before, that it’s just this physical need, and missing out on these emotional connections.

S Hunter Murray: 25:23 And so, while I definitely want to push a conversation around, “How true are these assumptions?”, and “Is there room for a more nuanced and more complicated idea of men’s sexuality?”, I never want to come across as saying that, for men who identify as having high sex drives, that there’s something inherently wrong with them, or that that’s a problem. But I just think that there’s too many men who have been kind of forced into a box, and not given the space to say, “Hey, my desire’s more complex than that. I don’t always feel desire. I sometimes want to say ‘no’. I find initiating a little exhausting sometimes. I want to feel desired.” I think it at least allows for a better conversation that allows men some variation, and I think it helps women better understand their male partners in a lot of situations.

S Hunter Murray: 26:18 Did I answer your question? Yeah?

Chris Rose: 26:21 Yeah, and it allows men some dignity, and feeling less isolated. I get so many emails that start, “I’ve never told anyone this before, dot, dot, dot.”, and then they reveal a pattern that I’ve seen thousands of times, right?

S Hunter Murray: 26:35 Yes. Yes.

Chris Rose: 26:37 And I’m sure you see this. And how do we deal with this: people feeling alone in what we know are very well-established patterns?

S Hunter Murray: 26:45 Exactly.

Chris Rose: 26:45 And that isolation is part of the struggle.

S Hunter Murray: 26:48 Exactly. That’s so bang on from my experiences as well. And I am a woman who’s writing about men’s sexual desire, but one of the reasons that I’m really passionate at least about presenting the research as a real … From the voices of men. I use a lot of quotes so that readers can hear it as if it was one of their buddies. It’s men’s words. It’s their descriptions. I’m not putting my own twist on it. I really want to show men what other men are saying, because so often what I get as feedback, when people read the book or if I kind of have given a tidbit like an interview such as this, they’ll say, “Oh, I thought it was just me.” And I think it’s so important to just hear that other side.

S Hunter Murray: 27:38 Men in my research will say they know that … They hear those conversations, and the stereotypical locker room of, “Hey, did you get laid last night?”, or making comments to a girl who walks by. Men that I speak with are actually quite critical of that, and yet there’s another part that kind of doubts, like, “Oh, wait, it’s not true. Or is it?”

S Hunter Murray: 28:00 That’s all I hear. We don’t have as many dialogues. We don’t hear that discourse around men talking about, “Yeah, work is really hard right now. I am stressed. When I get home, I just want to watch a show and go to bed early. And to be honest, sex is kind of the last thing on my mind right now.” We don’t have a lot of examples of hearing that, and men will say it’s so helpful to know, “Oh, okay. So, that’s a thing. Other men experience it. It’s not just me. There’s nothing wrong with me, I just haven’t heard this, and I haven’t heard my experience normalized like that before.”

Chris Rose: 28:40 Thank you so much for collecting these narratives, for bringing your wisdom to it.

Chris Rose: 28:46 Can you let folks know where to find more from you online?

S Hunter Murray: 28:50 Yeah, I’d love to. Thanks for the opportunity.

S Hunter Murray: 28:52 So, my research is all presented in the book that we’re talking about, Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships. And I also write a blog for Psychology Today where I touch on a lot of topics, but as much as possible also hit on these issues about men’s sexuality, and it’s called Myths of Desire. And again, that’s for Psychology Today.

Chris Rose: 29:16 And what are the questions you are thinking most about right now?

S Hunter Murray: 29:21 So, I think what I’m still most curious about is, at this stage, my research is really focused on heterosexual dynamics. And of course, that doesn’t apply to all men, as identifying as heterosexual or dating women. And so, I’m really curious. I think if we’re going to completely understand, if we can ever completely understand anything, but at least better understand men’s experiences, then of course it has to include men who identify as bisexual, as gay, as pansexual, as queer. We need to kind of include more experiences. Are there, say, slightly or maybe even very different experiences of men with different sexual orientations in different relationship structures?

S Hunter Murray: 30:09 I’m particularly interested as we get older as well. My research starts with men … My interviews were 30 to 65. My online study 18 to 65. The people that I work with in a clinical setting are always 18 and over. But I’m particularly curious about the nuances and complexities that hit our life the older that we get. So, I’m more and more interested in men’s experiences as they hit 30, 40, into their 50s and 60s, where there’s children, mortgages, changing perspectives on your life, and your future, and retirement.

S Hunter Murray: 30:48 I think that life just gets more and more interesting, and I think when we do find studies on men’s sexual desire, they tend to be more in that college-aged sample, which I think just continues to reinforce the chances that men describe their desire as higher, if they’re 18 to 21, 18 to 25. Again, not all men experience high pulsating sexual desire at that time either. But the chances are that life is a little more fun and carefree. Biology and diseases … Testosterone hasn’t decreased. There are certain things that kind of reinforce that stereotype if we continue to use college-aged samples in our research.

S Hunter Murray: 31:27 So, I’m really fascinated about focusing on men’s sexual orientations beyond that heterosexual dynamic, and particularly kind of that middle to later age in life.

Chris Rose: 31:37 Fabulous. I can’t wait to learn more with you.

Chris Rose: 31:40 Sarah, thank you so much for taking your time and sharing your wisdom with us today.

S Hunter Murray: 31:44 It was a pleasure. Thank you so much for having me.

Chris Rose: 31:46 I hope you enjoyed that interview. Come on over to pleasuremechanics.com for our complete podcast archive, and I will link to a few other episodes about men’s sexuality in the show notes page for this episode so you can continue the conversation.

Chris Rose: 32:04 Be sure to sign up for our free online course, The Erotic Essentials, at pleasuremechanics.com/free. That’s pleasuremechanics.com/free.

Chris Rose: 32:16 We will be back with you next week with another episode of Speaking of Sex. Remember, we are 100% supported by our listening community. So, if you love this show and want to support the work we are doing, head on over to pleasuremechanics.com/love and show us some love to help keep this show going and growing.

Chris Rose: 32:40 We will see you next week. I am Chris from pleasuremechanics.com, wishing you a lifetime of pleasure.

Chris Rose: 32:47 Cheers.

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Working under Joseph Kramer, Ph.D., Chris directed and edited Chester Mainard’s four hour long video teaching on anal massage that was released as a 2 DVD set, Anal Massage for Relaxation & Pleasure and Anal Massage For Lovers. Just after production, Chester was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Chester was diagnosed with glioblastoma multiforme, an invasive brain cancer in 2006. The night before surgery, at his request, Chris sat with Chester in the Berkeley hills and read him Walt Whitman’s poetry for hours.

Chester woke up from his brain surgery unable to speak, swallow and with no movement down his right side – but he woke with an urgency to live. He sang before he spoke, learning to use his half-paralyzed tongue to once again share his sharp wit and boundless wisdom.

For the next 9 months, Chester lived with brain cancer. Chris lived with him, offering him daily care and support, wheelchair dance parties and lots of gentle touch.

Chester taught his final massage classes with open wounds from brain cancer and hemipeligic on the right side. Here, student Cheryl anchors his paralyzed hand while Chris Maxwell Rose becomes his “second hand” to demonstrate a technique.
Body Electric Studio, Oakland California, 2006

Chester Mainard died on his family land in the arms of loved ones on March 13 2007. His teachings live on in the hands and hearts of thousands of students all around the world, and in all we do here at Pleasure Mechanics.

We are forever grateful for the life and teachings of Chester Mainard.

Male Orgasm and Arousal

A collection of our most popular podcast episodes about male orgasm and arousal. These episodes focus on the erotic experience of bodies with penises who have been socialized as male. We honor and cherish all human bodies, and strive to create inclusive and accessible resources.

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